


Wiegenlied

by grexigone



Series: Wiegenlied [1]
Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Inspired by Music, Light Angst, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Rebelcaptain - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-21 09:28:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,440
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19999681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grexigone/pseuds/grexigone
Summary: Hi! This series will contain fics that are inspired by certain songs/music piece that I liked. Each chapter's title will be the title of the song, and I will link the song/music pieces from which they are inspired from.You are more than welcome to hear them if you want to get the right emotion or mood for the fic :D I will be more than happy to discuss both the songs and the fics either in the comment section or myTumblr, and last but not least, more will come from this series, of course, so stay tuned and enjoy! ;)





	Wiegenlied

**Author's Note:**

> ["Growing Up" by DARAMUDA (featuring Rara Sekar)](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UDoMq2X2VL4)
> 
> _Growing up, what are we supposed to see, to feel, to meet_  
>  _Growing up, what are we supposed to miss, to keep, to leave_
> 
> _When it hurts, it hurts me_  
>  _When it hurts, still hurts every time_  
>  _One leaves, one ceases_  
>    
>  _Growing up, how are we supposed to give, to take, collate_  
>  _Growing up, how are we supposed to love, to breath, to be_
> 
> _When it hurts, it hurts me_  
>  _When it hurts, still hurts every time_  
>  _We fall and we crawl_
> 
> _Can anybody tell me, can anybody tell me_  
>  _Can anybody help me_  
>  _How to, what to do_
> 
> _Denizens of the deep, drifters of the current_  
>  _Where do we go, where do we seek?_  
>  _If not within_  
>  _Within me, within you_

On any other occasion, it would not be that easy for Jyn Erso to admit that things didn’t go according to plan due to her decisions. Any other day, Jyn Erso would _insist_ that things hadn’t gone wrong in the first place, but merely _diverged_ from what originally expected. Any other time, Jyn Erso would point out that, despite the different strategy, they had achieved the same result, only with more adrenaline spent and actions involved.

But right now, as she clings to dear life on the rattling floor of the old U-wing, she can blame no other but herself. The mission was simple and the instruction was clear: to watch over the surroundings while Cassian and Kay infiltrate the Imperial lab and retrieve important information inside. But maybe it was too simple. Maybe she had wished for something else. 

The thoughts that has been bothering her from weeks prior suddenly emerge. The Rebels has been suffering more setbacks these days than they ever did _before_ the destruction of the Death Star and despite Cassian's best attempt at concealing this news from her, she eventually figured it out. And then started to feel like Bantha shit for days. Maybe they should do more. Maybe _she_ should do more than stealing the Death Star plan and helped destroying the battle station. Maybe she thought she hadn’t made her fathers proud just yet.

But the split second window was enough for bad things to happen. 

First there was a shadow moving from the corner of her eyes and into the area she was supposed to watch over. Next came a small round object rolling on the dirt covered ground towards where Cassian and Kay stood just outside the lab, their mission had just been completed. She realized everything _a split second_ too late, so she did what she knew best: get physical.

Shooting the perpetrator would be out of the option, so instead she jumped right in the way she knew the heaviest blow would struck. She vaguely remembers shouting the first syllable of Cassian’s name before the grenade exploded and throwing the three of them against the nearest wall. And then there was dust and earth and _pain_ , and the next thing she knows, they had miraculously returned to the ship and got out of the atmo. But then there was blood. Lots of it, coming out of a spot under her ribcage, and everyone loses their mind.

Everything starts to feel so exhausting now, even something as simple as keeping her eyes open. Jyn tries focusing on a spot in the ship’s ceiling, but the spot begins to get more blurry with each passing minute, so she shifts her gaze to Kay, the only thing that seems to stay still in a world that spinning more and more out of control. The droid is piloting the ship while Cassian busied himself trying to stop the bleeding, but even with her consciousness slipping in and out, Jyn knows he hasn’t been successful. She can literally feel the blood flowing out of her, her clothes feels wet and slick and the familiar tangy smell is hard to ignore.

It was her fault. Period. The grenade, her reaction, the wound. All hers.

“I’m sorry,” she just have to say it out loud. _How could she be that stupid and reckless? They literally relied themselves to her and she blew it all. Maybe...maybe she is not enough_. At this state, however, her loudest is only a wheezing whisper. “I’m so-”

“That’s enough,” Cassian cut him sharply. With that tone, others may conclude that he’s being very rude to a literal dying person, but Jyn knows better. Oddly enough, she can stand the tone but not his eyes. To be very honest, she has run out of spot to focus on to keep herself awake, but even with the last option being focusing on Cassian, Jyn still finds it hard to do. It was childish, she knows, but there’s a small voice in her head that keeps her from having to make his desperate face the last thing she would possibly ever see in her last waking hour - and for that, she just have to find another thing to focus on that miserable ship.

“Stay with me, Jyn...” she can hear him say as she feels trembling fingers reach up to cradle the side of her head. “...please.”

 _I’m kriffing trying to,_ she wants to scream at him, but what ends up coming out is a wet cough that makes everything worse than it already has. She is gradually slipping out from this world, and it started to feel as if she was drowning in her own blood, making any attempt to grip on something solid useless. Jyn didn’t know how but apparently Cassian understands this, and a moment later she feels his other hand finds hers, giving her a faint feeling of something steady and calm despite his widened eyes reflect otherwise.

“How far…?” she whispers the words out, noting on how Cassian’s jaw clenches at the question.

“We should be able to reach Echo Base in three-”

“ _Kay_.” The droid doesn’t finish his sentence.

 _Well, shit._ Just as she feared, whatever comes after that ‘three’ will not be enough for her. She needs help _now_ , that much they all know, but maybe, just maybe, she really has to prepare for the worst.

“Cass,” Jyn begins, but immediately cut by the look Cassian give her as he leans down and caress her cheek with his thumb.

“We’re going to make it,” his voice is trembling now, and oh how she hates seeing him - let alone making him like that, “We have to. _You_ have to, just...don’t leave me like this, Jyn,”

The memories of the explosion comes unsolicited to her mind again, and before she could stop herself, she slurred out, “It was my fault…’m sorry…” Cassian shakes his head, trying to shush her, but the words won’t stop, not when she can see something that looks like... _Mama?_ “I wasn’t... _never_ good enough…” _Mama, is that you? Wait, what is Cassian saying?_ “I’m so sorry...Cass…” 

“ _Trust the force._ ”

The first thing Jyn noticed when she woke up was the weird texture of the ground beneath her. She was not on the ship anymore, and above her was the blue-gray sky with an enormous line across it that could be a ring of a planet. 

She pushed her body into a seating position to have a better look of her surroundings. Beneath her was something sandy though it has a darker color that those in Jedha. Her hears then caught a crashing noise, but when she turned to where it came from, she found only beach and seawater that rolls gently against the sand.

She knew that place.

Not sure what to expect or how the hell she could ended up there alone, Jyn stood up and walked to the direction she memorized by heart. It’s strange to be there again after this whole time, she contemplated. Everything feels smaller, closer, and shorter despite being exactly the same as the last time she left them. It was her that is changing.

Closing in to the farm, she saw the familiar shape of the moisture vaporator and decided to walk towards that direction, diverting away from where her old home was. It was all so strange and on the back of her mind she was still thinking about logical things to do such as looking for Cassian and Kay or even better, a ship to get out of there and back to Echo Base, but a larger part of her seemed like moving on its own accord, walking down the memory lane that strangely didn’t affect her in a painful way as much as she expected it would be. In fact, there was no pain at all, physically or mentally, and that too, was strange.

Jyn stopped and stretched her arm to touch the vaporator as soon as it was within her range, intrigued by how firm and _real_ it feels under her palm. She was very sure that this is only a dream, but now she's starting to question everything. Examining the shape, she once again amused by how small it feels now that she could reach corners and dents she couldn't before. Trying to find more grip at time stamp, she then knelt down to check that one big scratch on the left side of the vaporator that she remembered from memory, only to find that it wasn't there. At least not yet.

And that means whenever she's currently at now, this will be her home way before…

_Before Krennic. Before Mama fell to the grass. Before Papa left. Before Saw came and opened that hatch._

Jyn took a deep breath and shut her eyes for a few seconds as the memories rushed into her head unfiltered, her muscles grew tense and her fingers curled into fists against the metal body of the vaporator and the ground beneath her. It still hurts, and she despises it. All of them are gone, but why don't the pain too?

She took another seconds to compose herself before relaxing her body and, opening her eyes, that's when she found a strange white bundle on the ground that wasn't there before. Curious, she Jyn picked it up while standing up on her feet again, and after twisting it several times, she finally recognized it as…

"Stormie!"

She spun her body so quickly she almost loses her grip, but then the sight of _her own seven years old self_ was so overwhelming she almost tripped hadn't she holds onto the vaporator at the last second.

"You found it!" Jyn watched transfixed as her smaller self trots giddily towards her, grinning widely with eyes focused on the stormtrooper doll on her hand and a large backpack -- _dear Force, that stupid backpack_ \-- bounced against her smaller self's back with a rustling noise. She felt a strange lump of emotions threatened to burst from inside her throat, and she must've made a weird expression while trying to remain composed because the smile on her smaller self suddenly faltered.

“Oh...do you want to keep the doll?” her younger self asked tentatively, frowning, which snapped her to the realization that she's been gripping the doll tighter and thus sending a wrong message to the little girl. Jyn cursed at herself and immediately shoved the stormtrooper to little-Jyn, forcing a smile despite her own mind still buzzing with questions.

“No, no! I just...I found it there and picked it up. Glad it found its owner again.” 

“Thank you!” The tiny figured in front of her bounced and took the doll, shrugging off the backpack to gently put ‘Stormie’ into it before hauling it back against her back. “Are you new here? I’ve never seen you before. What’s your name? I’m Jyn.”

_Did she always speak so fast like that? No wonder Mama often told her to ‘calm down’._

Those round green eyes stared back at her patiently and, in an attempt to conceal her growing anxiety, Jyn lowered herself once again until she was down to one knee against the ground while using the other to lean with her elbow, getting herself level with, well, her own self.

“You know what’s funny,” she began, earning a raised eyebrows from little-Jyn, “My name is Jyn too. What a coincidence, don’t you think?”

To her surprise, young-Jyn suddenly took a step back and scanned her from head to toe, her expression turned serious, then, “Are you...me?” she asked. There was simply no way Jyn could lie to her literal self, and yet, still at a loss for words, she could only nod and wait for young-Jyn’s reaction.

“Wow!” the small girl screamed, the older Jyn so much she almost tripped herself, “This is so cool! You’re...wow! You look so strong, and you are so beautiful!”

All of a sudden small arms were latched around Jyn’s neck, followed suit by small figure knocking all the air from her lungs and it was a miracle they both didn’t fall. There was so much to process from the encounter, but one thing Jyn immediately noticed, and lamented, was that she used to be _happy_. Their family’s life was not an easy one, as far as she could remember, but it was never in any ways bothering her. And she was filled with so much positive energy Jyn almost doubt that this little girl with two braids and bigger front teeth and oversized clothes really is her, Jyn Erso, son of Galen and Lyra.

_And no one has ever called her beautiful before. She’s been called anything but for so long she never even register what the word could possibly mean._

“Now I can’t wait to grow up so I can be like you!” little-Jyn added, and suddenly it was all to much.

Emotions rushed into her waves after waves and Jyn tightened her grip around her younger self as her eyes burned and tears welled at the bottom lash line.

“I’m so sorry, Jyn,” she choked the words out, “I’m sorry but I have to tell you...it wouldn’t be painful, growing up. _Nothing_ would go as you planned.” _The memory plays again; she was alone in the bunker, waiting for Saw. The light in her hand flickers on and off, and outside, the thunder cracks the sky_ . “You will get through... _so many_ , and it will break your heart...it will make you so sad you can’t even cry...and oh, Jyn, I’m so sorry that I will put you through all of that.”

_Because eventually, Saw left. The Rebels saved you, but you can’t save Saw. You can’t save that little girl in Jedha. You can’t save Papa. All of them, gone._

“I wish you wouldn’t have to feel all of those, but you will, and sometimes there’s nothing you can do about it, and _oh_ , Jyn,” It probably wasn’t a good thing to say to a six-years-old, but Jyn didn’t care. She had to warn this small, innocent child that life is not as kind as she used to think. That more failure would come than success, and right now, facing her old self, Jyn felt ashamed and defeated at the things she had done that little-Jyn would never approve of or imagine doing. “I’m just...I’m so, so, sorry. For everything.”

She was literally sobbing into her younger self’s shoulder right now, gripping the small body tighter as if it could protect her from all the pain the future would bring, while at the same time releasing all the stress that’s been pooling in her for the past few weeks. Jyn didn’t know how long she'd stayed like that, but amazingly, little-Jyn remained calm during the whole breakdown, and even went as far to give her small strokes where her little hands could reach, providing some sort of comfort that slowly but surely seeps into Jyn like the warmth of Yavin’s sun.

When all the tears had finally ceased and she was no longer shaking, Jyn pulled away just enough so she could still hold little-Jyn’s shoulders while giving her an apologetic chuckle for the meltdown. She was still too busy wiping her wet cheeks clean with the back of her palm when suddenly an earth-colored cloth was shoved in front of her and ever so carefully, tiny hands move to help with the remaining tears.

“Mama always said,” little-Jyn said tentatively, her eyebrows taut with concentration as she directed the cloth closer to Jyn’s eyes, “It’s alright to cry. And I cry _a lot_. But afterwards, she said I have to wipe my own tears and move on.”

_Jyn honestly had forgotten that._

“I don’t know what ‘move on’ means,” little-Jyn continued after she’s done with taking care of her bigger self, “But...if I made it _this_ far, to being you,” she bounced happily on her feet while jutting her chin towards Jyn, “It means we ‘moved on’, right?” 

Jyn couldn’t help but lamented at the contrast between them. Here, standing in front of her, was _her_ , some twenty years ago, all bubble of positiveness and innocence and not yet stained by suffering, let alone grief she was about to meet within the next year or so. This is what Jyn _was_ . Some of it remained to her present self, but most of them had diminished over time, and somehow, in the last few weeks, she had also become bitter while keeps trying to do something _more_ and recalculating the what ifs.

“But it won’t be easy,” Jyn eventually replied. A final warning. One last look to the past that haunted her. “It would be _nothing_ but easy.”

“Then it’s alright!” little-Jyn suddenly beamed loudly, already returning to her previous jolly mood, despite just watching her older self broke down. “If I get to grow up to be like you, I won’t mind some bad things! We’re the same, so if you made it then I will made it too, right?”

"Mama always said the Force is strong with me, and Papa would say-"

"... _maybe too much_ ," both Jyns finished the sentence together, then shared similar giggles as little-Jyn's eyes grew wider and her cheeks flushed when she smiles still. "I think Papa was right," Jyn added absentmindedly, memories of her parents saying the exact words now flooding to her mind.

"I can't wait to be you!" little-Jyn's exclamation brought her back, "I can't wait to be as big and strong as you!"

It was a gush of wind, then the sky opened and revealed a yellow, warm sun breaking through Lah'mu's sky and drenched then with warmth and _hope_. Jyn didn't know whether it was possible but she felt a ton of weight just lifted from her as she stared back to the identical greens of her past self looking back at her. And suddenly, the mirror doesn't hurt that much anymore. She was not lost forever. She has been reminded.

 _She has to return_.

Smiling wasn't so hard anymore, so Jyn gave it graciously to her younger self. "I will wait for you, but that means I have to go now."

Little-Jyn nodded, "Okay." 

She gave her a wink and pulled her little body for one last embrace, and when she let go, Jyn put both of her hands on little-Jyn's shoulders and looked her straight in the eyes as she spoke, "Promise me one thing: always have hope, alright?"

Another nod and then faintly, Jyn heard their name was called upon and just as little-Jyn turned her head to the direction of the sound, she thought she could see the figures of her parents, just in front of the homestead.

"I guess I go first," little-Jyn said with an almost apologetic face, which Jyn responded with a reassuring squeeze on her smaller self's shoulders.

"Tell them I love them," she said instead of a goodbye, watching as little-Jyn then waved at her before running towards her _home_ and slowly, slowly, the tiny figure gets smaller and smaller until she was nothing but specks of dark shadows and everything came back to the blur that was the beginning…

_"My stardust."_

"...one with the Force and the Force is with me- _oh_ , good evening!"

Jyn's mouth feels raw and glued together, so the only respond she gives is a series of grunts and scoffs, and it doesn't help that it costs her even more effort to open her eyes, only to be met with the familiar color of med bay's ceiling and not Chirrut, despite knowing from whom the earlier voice comes from.

She then blinks rapidly to get used to the invading light, and it was only then that she feels strong hand gripping at hers followed by the usual red-black silhouette of the guardian, staring at a spot beside Jyn's head with his glassed eyes.

"Welcome back," Chirrut says with a small smirk that somewhat manages to release the slight panic and tension Jyn doesn't know she has from just trying to be fully conscious. She tries to sit, but Chirrut's grip immediately stops her and she relents, falling back into the bed with a huff.

"How long…?" she asks.

"Days, and multiple bacta sessions."

Jyn swallows out of reflex, the lingering taste of bacta can suddenly be felt on the back of her throat. It is still too bright and too loud for her senses so she shut her eyes again and let out a tired groan. Pieces of memories floating around her head as Jyn tries to pick up the pieces of the puzzle together, with Chirrut back to chanting his old prayer in such a tone that almost lull her to sleep.

It feels like a while long until Chirrut speaks again. The expression on his face, however, has Jyn taken aback when she opened her eyes to see the guardian.

"The last time I felt so...distressed and anxious was the day I completely lost my sight," he began. Chirrut never spoke much of his past so Jyn lets him, staying as quiet as possible as not to seem disrespectful. "The second time was two days ago. Right here."

He sighs heavily. Jyn blinked, puzzled.

"I came to bring some food to Baze, who was staying here that day. Everything was alright, you just came out of your last bacta session, but then…” Another sigh. The grip on Jyn's wrists tightened just a slight. “I couldn't sense _anything_. The Force was silent around you, so I told Baze and, well,"

Jyn swallows hard, trying to draw a line on which part of her strange dream in Lah’mu that might cause that. 

"They said it was close, and you were lucky. But you know I don’t believe in luck,” Chirrut tilts his head playfully towards her, and seeing him back to his old self, Jyn huffs a laugh and lifts her tubes ridden hand to put it over his.

“I’m sorry, I guess?” she offers, to which Chirrut responds with a ‘tsk’.

“Seeing you finally comes back, stronger than before, is enough. If I may, though,” he adds, lowering his voice just a bit, “I would suggest another, saver way to finally achieve the state that you are in right now, little sister. One that involves less life threatening situation and panic inducing moments, hm?”

Jyn can’t help but giggle at that, and then, with a gentle tap on her shoulder, Chirrut walks away and bids her goodbye before disappearing behind the hissing door of the medbay. It isn’t long until the doctor comes along with an MD-1 to check on her, commenting on some post-treatment routine she has to do for the next week or so while the droid helps removing the tubes from her hand and arm.

“You’ve got nice friends there, Erso, no days without any of them staying here,” the doctor says with a warm smile as she taps a report on her datapad, “Oh, and once you’re not feeling dizzy anymore, you’re good to go. Captain Andor asked to be reported when you’re out, so-”

“It’s alright, I’ll tell him myself,” Jyn cuts the doctor, which she responds only with a shrug before also bidding a goodbye and the signature ‘don’t come here too often’ before leaving Jyn alone, feeling more tired than before the whole ordeal, but nonetheless relieved she is back to the familiar ambience of Echo Base.

Jyn stays for another hour following the doctor’s suggestion, and as soon as she’s back on her feet and her usual clothes, she’s bound to find Cassian. Her first attempt is to go to his quarters, but after putting in the codes and peering inside, the room was dark and there is no Cassian. Next she tries the cantina, and then command room, only to find the Princess there who hugs her so tight her soul feels like leaving her body until she excuses herself once again.

 _The hangar_ , Jyn deduced, and made her way towards the busy area while dodging other Rebels of all kinds and shapes until she can see the ship they used on the last mission, landed far out near the edge of the hangar and looking empty. Most of the times Cassian’s presence could be foreseen by the existence of Kay in certain places, but even now, as Jyn walks towards the U-wing, there is no Kay, no Bodhi, or other Rebels.

The closer she gets, however, she can hear a faint sound of metal against something like a brush, and so, betting on the years of working together and _knowing_ Cassian, Jyn climbs the open ramp and peers inside to find, to her relieve, no one but Cassian Andor himself, squatting on the ship’s floor with his right hand moving horizontally across a specific spot there.

It suddenly struck her as she goes further into the ship that Cassian was scrubbing a stain from the ship’s floor - _her_ blood stain that somewhat remains there despite that doomed day has passed for quite a while. He doesn’t seem to notice her presence, however, so Jyn take a deep breath and called him by the first syllable of his name.

Cassian startles at her voice, turning around so quick while getting on his feet to look at her, and before she can even say ‘hi’ or anything, she’s already in his arms, wrapped safely and tightly that she immediately melts into the embrace.

After staying like that for a while, eventually it was Cassian who speaks first. “Apologies accepted,” he murmurs, and they both chuckled. She then takes a moment to let the memory of her strange encounter with her younger self flooded into her mind, embracing the warmth it brings to her instead of sadness or even regret, and with the specific memory of her parents pictured in her head, Jyn tightens her grip around Cassian’s torso and let out the breath she doesn’t realize she was holding.

“I promise I’ll never fell to self-pity again,” she says, more to herself than to Cassian, but he seemed to understand, kissing then resting his lips against her forehead and hummed in affirmation. Jyn shuts her eyes to focus on the calming sound of his heartbeat on her ears, and they stay like that for a while, rocking gently on the tight space inside the U-wing, none wants to pull away just yet and the scrub left motionless on the floor.

_Trust the Force, my stardust._

And she knows she is. 

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was supposed (and still, at least in my Google Docs) to be titled "The Fic I Want to Write for Myself", and I have prepared 3 other song-fics to be developed from skeletons that I already wrote but well, life intervenes and "Growing Up" got the first chance to be posted.
> 
> The inspiration for the story came after I was having an emotional breakdown - which happened quite often these days after the 'January Tragedy'. I've been wanting to use writing as a media to express what I'm feeling as well as what happened after January Tragedy, but even that was a mental struggle as I'm still feeling uncomfortable in literally venting on the internet, especially for such a personal story. On the other side, I also felt like writing is the only way I could get a proper self-relief as writing has always been my favorite thing and media to express myself.
> 
> So yeah, TL;DR, that's how this fic came into fruitation.
> 
> The decision to change the title and put it as the first entry into this series was a coincidence though. I didn't know about this song until I heard it on a local movie titled "Dua Garis Biru" (lit.: Two Blue Lines) last week, and was only able to listen to the full lyrics the day after. In the end I decided to use this song for this fic because the part where the lyrics go " _growing up, what are we supposed to miss, to keep, to leave_ " really hits home with the whole January Tragedy ordeal. I mean, don't we all still wondering what it means to grow up?
> 
>   
> _As I get older, I always hope that things will get easier: grieving may not be too long, the memory of those who have left may not come back again. But it turns out life is hard to guess and sometimes we need to be confused so that we can really give space to reflect on this._ \- excerpts from the notes of the song, loosely translated from bahasa Indonesia to English.


End file.
